The X Factor

I did a brief Facebook rant about this and decided to turn it into a full blog. People break up and that is a known fact. What brought you together is not nearly as important as what tore you apart. It would seem that the friendship you had with your once ex was able to survive. It made it through the heart break and bad feelings of the break up and you and them are now cool. You can talk on the phone about most things. It would even seem that your bond is stronger now than when you were lovers. Go figure. They can call on you when they need a helping hand, and you can call on them when you need one. Enter onto this scene of newfound bliss is your new girlfriend/boyfriend *cue evil music here*. This new relationship has issues with who you are friends with.

Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time around me knows that I usually don’t give former lovers titles. I introduce them as my friend because that is what they are to me now regardless of what was experienced when we were a couple. In my past I have been accused of being sneaky because I introduced a former lover to a current relationship as my friend. However, this girlfriend forgot that I had told her about my ex but she forgot the name. My thinking behind this is that once a person is introduced to another as EX then assumptions are made, guards are put up, and general nastiness follows. That person can not be experienced for who they are as a person. Instead they are labeled by what title they were given. Now your interactions are being watched even more closely with them and everything is scrutinized. You and them may have a cool relationship but now you have your current relationship that is mistrusting of that friendship.

So I guess the real questions that should be asked is….How far do you go to appease your present girlfriend/boyfriend? Should people forgo titles when introducing former lovers, just for peace of mind sake? Let’s run over a couple of scenarios. Scenario 1: The phone rings at 11:30 am in and it is your ex calling. Their car has broke down and they asked could you pick take them to an appointment. They have a ride home and say you should be done in thirty minutes. Prior to you getting with your present girlfriend/boyfriend this was something you would not have hesitated to perform. After all you are just friends with them now and favors come along with friend ship. But now the new relationship has a problem with you being a civil human being. They say “I do trust you, but it’s them I don’t trust.” Scenario 2: Your cell phone rings at 11:30 pm and your ex is on the phone crying and they had a bad day and want to know can you come over and cheer them up so they can feel better. In these situations it would seem that the answers are obvious.

Scenario 1 should be a no brainer. The time of day is early. You should only be gone for half an hour or so and it is a friend in need. Even though you and your ex are not getting back together, they don’t deserve to be abandoned if you have a strong friendship. Scenario 2 will most certainly get you cut down to the bone if you walk out the door. The time of night is just wrong. This is well into the booty call hours and your friend should know it is not appropriate to call so late. Added to this is a vulnerable person on the other end of that phone and things may happen if left open. Back to Scenario 1 and any situation similar. So now you are between a rock and a hard place. You and your ex are not going back down that road again. So now do you jeopardize the friendship and tell them you can’t help them because so-and-so doesn’t like it. Or do you have to tell your new relationship to step off and grow up?

It would seem that the answer is to tell this new addition to your life to step the fuck off and grow up. (SIGH) Well as much as you would like to stick a sock in their mouth and make them deal with it, problems are never that simple. If you are trying to make a life with this person then everything is open for discussion. Nothing is wrong with discussing your feelings because communication is essential. You can always offer to take the new boyfriend/girlfriend along to ease their minds. But why should you need a chaperone to be a friend to someone. The problem for me (as well as most grown ups) is when someone tells you that you should not be around this person because you had history. So…what I take from that statement when it is made is, basically that you don’t have the capacity to make decisions to manage your own relationships. Well I say that I’m a grown ass man and have been a man longer than I was a child (*insider*).

Being grown means we make decisions all day long. Decisions that impact your life on deeper levels. The very idea of someone coming at you and telling you that you are not able to make your own decisions is down right insulting. However it is up to you. You can choose to get rid of someone that you had a significant relationship with because it would increase the comfort level of your present relationship. I find the very idea to be ridiculous. It’s like them saying that all your years of personal experience of being you don’t mean anything and they know you better. Like I said earlier, I make decisions that impact my life all day. These decisions I make are more profound than who I’m going to kick it with this weekend. So making the decision to manage my relationships is not a hard task.

People will always try to hide things by saying that it is not you they are worried about. They only fear what may happen if they don’t tell you how they feel. They don’t want to lose you to what you had with this person. But this liberal application of sugar coating is purely bullshit. It is their own inadequacies they want to remain hidden.
I guess I hit the bottom line. We as individuals know how to manage our relationships. Whether these relationships be friendships, or beyond. If our core values is intact then we are not going to jeopardize our love lives. As adults we should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without it raising red flags. You shouldn’t have to ransom your past friendships for your current relationship. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and say “I got this and I don’t need you to make my decisions for me” because ultimately the decision is yours. We can make our own choices. Besides... no one wants to be micromanaged.


S.L.

Baby Mama/Daddy Drama

I decided to condense this blog from two down to one. Most of the items that are covered here are interchangeable between mother and father depending on who is involved. Dealing with a deadbeat dad or a psychotic baby’s mother is never an easy task. I will start with the drama that is usually associated with men and their child’s mother.

Well here you are brother and you’ve come a long way. It may seem like only yesterday that you met her, made future plans, consumed each other with passion and then fell in and out of love with each other. It was a beautiful relationship, but now it is over. The circumstances that led you here is not nearly as important as this final destination. Whether you were madly in love with her or it was an irresponsible one night stand, you’re here. You now have a child by this woman and you are no longer able to work things out.

There’s no magical equation that is going to help you get along after you break up. Women are all different and react in kind. It should also be taken into account that emotions run high during break ups and can bring out the worst in people both male and female. That once sweet and understanding woman may turn into a ravenous, rabid rottweiler. A rottweiler that hasn’t eaten in days and you are pile of raw meat. Unfortunately there is little that can be done to dispel that storm of emotions. Time heals all wounds and (insert cliché here). My granny always said that common sense ain’t common. All disclaimers aside, if you follow a few common sense instructions, you can ride it out in the eye of that storm until it passes on its own.

Waiting for that storm to pass you by means being prepared and staying ahead of the game. If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready. Staying ahead of the game starts with being respectful and aware of what is going on emotionally with your child’s mother. Whatever you do, don’t call her “yo baby momma”. After you introduce her as such you will feel enough heat coming off of her to boil a pot of water. Let’s face it fellas; we as men don’t care if we are introduced as “this my baby daddy”. However, when dealing with women, this title makes them cringe. The negative associations with this title alone does not sit well with them. Caricatures of uneducated, loud, obnoxious ghetto women come to mind (Can anyone say The Maury Show). Most women feel that the title “baby momma” reduces them to a role and takes away who they are as individuals. It’s as if the only thing she was good for, was to produce a child and that is it. Always refer to her as “your child’s mother” Sure some men may argue apples and oranges and feel that this is the same thing. However, there are no negative stereotypes associated with being called the mother of my child. This title is simply a more respectable way to introduce her to others. It will also draw some of that heat off of you.

Now that I got the intro out the way let’s talk C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). You should already know this fellas. If you don’t…well I don’t know what to tell you partner. Nothing will send a woman over the proverbial edge faster than a man who fathered a child with her and now he won’t/doesn’t take care of it. When you got her pregnant and you agreed/or didn’t agree to have this kid together (either way they are here), you signed an 18+ year contract. I’m not so callous as to view it in this way but I am breaking it down for the brothers. You made a commitment to support this woman and your child until it is grown. Look at the money you spend on your child as if it is any other bill. However, this is one bill you do not want to be late paying. You need to pay the full balance each month instead of just putting something on it. If you are late or slacking on payments the consequences will be dire. This is one bill collector that knows all about you, which buttons to push and will show up to your job/home in person with a really nasty attitude. Don’t do it to yourself.

Money may make the world go around but there is more to being a responsible father than simply writing a check. Even though you and your child’s mother weren’t able to make it as a couple she still has needs that you should take care of. In this case I don’t mean anything explicit such as having sex with yo baby mama (I can cover that in a different blog later). The simple fact is that taking care of a child by yourself is hard work. A mom who is a single parent rarely has time to get a good night’s sleep let alone have any personal time for herself to decompress. Single moms often neglect their own needs because the needs of their child come first. This selfless devotion to her child often comes at the cost of her appearance and emotional well being. All of her time is consumed with raising your child and this may leave her a little bitter. In her mind the scales are unbalanced and it seem like you are out running around care free with all the time in the world while she is confined to being responsible. It’s not fair.

Over time this may cause your child’s mother to harbor ill feelings towards you. This negativity can manifest in ways such as her not being at her best mentally. Her patience may get low or her temper may flare up due to being overwhelmed and this will affect how she takes care of your child. Being emotionally considerate means being there when she needs you to take care of the baby. The bottom line is if mama is not taken care of properly then baby will suffer. By the way…this is not a baby sitting assignment because you don’t babysit your own kids. As a father it is your responsibility to raise them and you must make time to bond and be there for them. If your child’s mother needs you to be there on unassigned days then so be it. You should be there. This does not mean be at her beckoned call and not have a life of your own. I’m not saying that at all fellas. However, allowances should be made for emergency situations or just for mental health days she may need. The guidelines you establish with your child's mother will help turn this difficult situation into a bearable one. You and she may lead separate lives now but, your child keeps you both connected.

A lot of the things I cover in the baby daddy drama section for the ladies can be applied to what may happen if a baby mama situation goes badly for a man. Mothers dealing with the fathers of their child/children often go through a different level of drama than men. When emotions are involved or relationships end badly most men don’t know how to handle it and this manifests itself in a lot of ways.

Immediately after the relationship is over you have to decide how you are going to handle the child/children situation. This is never easy especially if your child’s father did not want the relationship to be over. Most times when a man is not able to hold onto his woman he will try to hold on extra tight to his kids. Who was once a so so father has now turned into father of the year because he is trying to stick around and be in your life. It’s low but he will try to achieve that goal through the child/children you made together. Always have a plan to stay ahead of this. When he calls to see his children make sure that when you agree for him to see them that this is done at a public place. This way there really is no need to have a long drawn out conversation with him. He can pick his child/children up in full view of others and there is little chance that drama will unfold if he knows he is being watched. Whatever you do…do not meet at his house or have him come to yours. This is asking for trouble.

A lot of emotional content is lost in writing. Having said that, it may be good to only communicate via email or text messages only for awhile. You will be less likely to be angered, or feel the need to say or do something negative by something that you read. Since you will not be hearing his voice, there is less chance to glean a sarcastic tone or his huffing and puffing if it is in a text or email. Sure emoticons could be used by him but, who really gets mad when reading that someone else is angry at them with that cute little red angry face next to their message. Not me.

Now ladies, sometime women have children with complete crazy fools and these are the ones you have to watch out for. This is the type of man that will beat yo ass, kick you down a flight of steps, then call the police and wait for them to show up to take him to jail. If your child’s father is in this special category then you may want to get a third party involved when it comes to him seeing his children. Unfortunately even a psycho has the right to see their kids as long as they aren’t a danger to them. Gotta love our court system. This third party will be there to do the communicating between the two of you if it should get that bad. They will pass along messages and arrange for the kids to see him by picking them up and dropping them off. This person should be someone you trust and he respects. This could be his mother or an aunt who you’ve developed a positive relationship with.

If the drama is really bad then you may have to get the courts involved. I am not talking about the financial aspects. I covered that in the baby daddy section. The situation I am referring to is getting a TRO. This is a temporary restraining order. It can be a very helpful tool to controlling a fool that doesn’t want to go to jail. Most women don’t have to be told to get the courts involved when it comes to getting the money they need to take care of their child/children. Most times a relationship post break up will find a couple being adult enough to work things out without getting courts involved. I’ve known men that pay their child’s mother what they ask and all is well. However if that fails they get the law involved.

There is another side of the baby mama/daddy drama that I want to touch on. I’ve been involved in baby daddy drama and that was not fun. The side I want to talk about is the new person entering into the relationship. For this example I will use the lady’s side of things. Not only does your new man have to deal with his child’s mother, unfortunately you will have to as well in some degree. This will be a true strain on your relationship. If things ended badly between the two of them and if her feelings are still involved then the child’s mother is going to try to do what it takes to push your buttons, and push you two apart. You will have to make the effort to be the better woman. After all it is you that he has chosen to be with and this angers her. Whatever you do, please avoid physical altercations. Nothing will destroy your relationship faster.

When it comes to the child, you should really try to get along for their sake. Children pick up on conflict even when they don’t say anything to you directly about it. It affects them. During this trying time communication between you and your man is important. Discuss how you feel but be supportive. It is not good for him to fight a war on two separate fronts. He doesn’t need your insecurity and her jealousy/bitterness both tearing him apart. If you’ve done what you can to be the bigger person and his child’s mother is still being negative then there is nothing more you can do. You should avoid contact with his child’s mother and let him deal with her. Name calling and posturing due to jealousy is common among women that have been hurt. There is nothing you can do for her other than remain civil. This will help you and your relationship by not letting her get under your skin.

Hopefully the information you read hear will shed some sunlight on other wise stormy shores.

S.L.

What Happened To The Spark ?!?!?

What Happened To The Spark?!?!?


No matter how good a man may be at writing, he can only truly write from a male’s perspective. He may have a miniscule amount of insight into the minds of women if he is observant and asks the right questions. This mild disclaimer is to let you know that I don’t claim to know the minds of women and that this is written from a man’s point of view.

In the beginning….foreplay isn’t even forethought as your fingertips caress skin that you have coveted for so long. Lips touch; tongues circle as if in dance, connecting, tasting, and repeat. Clothes lie in orphaned heaps on the floor; hastily discarded as passion consumes you. Your bodies move in rhythm, thrusting, and grinding, moaning then release. In the afterglow, you’re thinking about when you can do it again. Improving ecstasy with increased orgasms. The proverbial iron is hot and the spark is there. New love. Nothing can be more beautiful than the first few times that a new couple makes love to each other. Just the thought of being in your new love’s presence is enough to spark a thousand erections or piles of moist panties.

Flash forward 6 months or a year into the relationship and now there is so much that needs to be done before a man/your man can get a drop of your morning dew to grace his blade of grass. Most men will attest to the fact that it doesn’t take much to get us going and ready for sex as we spend a great deal of time with some form of it on our mind. It would seem that foreplay is not as important for most men as it is for women. I think this is where the confusion comes into play because we were used to the tiger that mauled us when we came in the door without a moments thought. Now the kitten before us requires warm milk, a bath, fancy feast, her hair to be brushed along with other grooming before we can get our paws licked.

What is it about the beginning ladies that’s so sensual, where just the thought of your man is enough to have you hot and ready? We men get confused when 6 months into the relationship we still think we can whip it out and you will be instantly ready like you were on day one. I wish I could say that I am more enlightened and understand but I am just as clueless as the next guy on this front. You see for me, I view my woman the same way now, as I did when we first made love. Nothing about that has changed. I am aware that she has changed as have I as a person overall. However, my desire has not changed. That excitement level is still there; at least it is for me. All I need is that nod or the high sign, or whatever and it’s on. Nowadays the nod is a thing of the past and it takes a lot more stimulation both mental and physical to get going.

I was discouraged by this at first. I thought this was something that was strictly lain in my bed (figuratively speaking). However, when I talk to other men and read articles in magazines and on the web I discovered that this is a serious issue that a lot of men face. I am not knocking foreplay at all. I think it is great and should be incorporated into all aspects of making love. My point is not that a woman needs foreplay to get her physically ready for her lover. My point is that most women, after they get comfortable with their man, usually do not give them the nod anymore. And, let’s not talk about her being aggressive and taking the initiative. After that comfort level has been reached, it seems that in most women are content in having their man make all the moves to initiate sex.

I guess what myself and most men want to know is what happens. Where does the spark go from day one to day 180 when we notice that it is not there any longer?!? Ladies how is that your need of our body is just as great as ours is for yours? What happens to make it disappear? I understand that there are determining factors that could make you change. Things like your, man is not romantic anymore, or he is abusive in one form or another, or you’ve fallen out of love for whatever reason etc, etc, and etc. What about us men who have stayed consistent? Men like me who believe that what you do to get your woman is what you do to keep her. Every time you kiss her or touch her, you do it like it is the last night before Judgement Day. I’m not the only one either. There are good men out there who are not getting the loving from their woman that they want because she no longer has that zeal for him that was there in the beginning.

I did some research online and talked to a few women on Facebook regarding this. The answers I got were very interesting. I won’t go into the whole Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars explanation because that is more played out than Hammer’s Rapping Career. I will share with you the two answers that stood out the most to me. A few of the ladies I questioned stated that it is not that the spark itself that has died. They state that the nature of their feelings have turned deeper than the act of physical love itself. They feel more fulfilled as women when the love they feel from their man makes them feel secure. They stated that this feeling of security carries them for longer periods of time than the need for basic love making. I thought about it and this sounds well and good in a perfect world. However, something made me flip the script and ponder how a woman would truly feel if her man always waited on her to make the first move to make love. I wonder what she would think if he told her that the love in his heart is carrying the fire in his loins and he doesn’t need to be inside of her as often to experience this sensation. What if he told her that he feels complete from just knowing she loves him and this slakes his lusts? I think that there would be a lot of men out there accused of cheating and left alone.

The second answer that I chose from these women had to be the most interesting to me. It really shed light on us human beings as a whole. The answer they gave was that the spark itself is not gone. It just does not shine as brightly the longer they are with their man. The relationship is not as fresh or exciting as it was in the beginning. Where at one point it was just the sight of that man that made them want him, as the relationship progressed it takes more. They crave that excitement of when the relationship was new and it was an adventure. They say that they still love their man but they want something new and exciting and that is what makes the spark for them. If he doesn’t know how to do that then they don’t know what to tell him and the cards fall where they may.

I had to say something on this last statement because men have been using this logic for years and have been persecuted for it. This especially happens when a man steps out on his woman and cheats. His logic is that he did it not because he doesn’t love his woman anymore. He did it because he wanted some excitement. A spark. Women and men are not all that different when it comes to sexual desire. We both want our lovers to want us the way they did when we first laid eyes on each other. We’d like it if initiative was taken on both behalf’s and foreplay utilized. I can’t say that I am really satisfied with the answers that I got. Some shed light into a dark hole where as others I felt just expanded the void. I guess the answers that I’m looking for will not only illuminate that void, but the spark of that knowledge will fill it as well.


S.L.

Children are the future ?!?!?

Despite the warm and fuzzies that the above picture may give you, there is nothing funny about my message in this blog. It was brought to my attention that recently a team of health officials went to a local high school out here in California. Now for legal reason I will not mention the name in case of a possible litigation flare up because folks sue for just about anything.

The team was sent to this school to administer physicals and raise awareness of sexually transmitted diseases. Parents were outraged at what this committee found because they knew nothing about what was going on in thier teens lives because there was no communication. These parents did not talk to thier children and thier kids did not talk to them. Upon the conclusions of thier test they found the following:

Children were suffering from diabetes
They were suffereing from high blood pressure (One had to be immediately hospitalized for fear of having a heart attack or stroke)
They were suffering from drug dependency

The above mentioned items are not really that shocking and should be common knowledge to most of you. The surgeon general as well as other agencies have preached on the importance of diet and excercise and speaking to your children about drug use and dependency. What had my mouth formed into a perfect O is that the student population had almost 100 students that tested positive for HIV and other STD's .

Almost 100 youths at one school. More scary is that they did not know. This frightened and saddened me at the same time. To be so young and hopeful yet to know that your life will be shortened even further and to have a disease that you can never be rid of. I understand that most of those kids will be cured with simple antibiotics. But what of those who are HIV positive and will have to be on the cocktail? I realize that it is extending lives but what life is it when you do not have the choice to procreate or to love freely.

Now the course of thier life is dictated and they are not even old enough to vote yet. Teenage boys always talk about using condoms but the reality is that when a poll was given, neither the teenage boys nor girls enjoy the sensation of the latex and therefore will not use them especially if there is no pressure from thier partner to do so.

I guess that I am rambling. I don't have any children of my own but I have helped raise other people's children and they have turned out fine because I communicated to them. This generation of children needs blunt honesty. It has been left to its own devices and cable television too long. We as parents/guardians/role models need to be honest and listen to our kids even when they are not directly talking to us.

It is those silent signals and the retreating into themselves that we need to see.

Because eventhough those signs are not vocal they often speak the loudest.

Talking too much?!?

Recently a female friend of mine asked a question regarding a new guy she had been seeing for a cool minute. She wanted to know what to do to make it progress further. Her dilemma was that she really wanted to get serious but, she felt that they as a couple didn't really talk and that they rarely went anywhere. She wanted to know why. I asked her had she communicated to him how she was feeling. She stated yes she had done this a few weeks ago but he told her that it wasn't he that talked too little. He stated that it was she that talked way too much. Presently, his behavior hasn't changed or else she would not have got in contact with me. To make matters worse this dude doesn't buy her anything and isn't thoughtful or romantic. They don't sound like much of a couple to me. But that's just my opinion.

Well the answer to her problem would be plainly obvious to most people but I digress. I hate to quote Sex In The City but if a man does not ask you anything about yourself or take you anywhere then he's just not that into you. I had to explain to her that this man is just using her body to masturbate and he probably doesn't consider her his woman. She argued and stated that they spend quality time together and that they have nice quiet meals and phenomenal sex. I countered and stated that the only reason why they had quiet meals is because the dude doesn't really have anything to say to her. My theory on this (and this is just my theory mind you) is that when a man does not ask you anything about yourself it is because he does not want to turn you into a real person in his mind. (Some of you are scratching your head. Hunh!!! ) Ok. This man may be at her home and in her bed but, she is no more real to him than the Great Pumpkin or Santa Claus. He never asks her anything about herself because the more information he has, the more real to him she will become.

Once this happens he will be forced to deal with her like a real person. The illusion will be broken. You see it's easier for people to hurt others when the other person is not real to them. That person is are turned into an object that holds no real value to them. Once a person knows about your hopes, dreams, turn ons, turn offs, your past pains, transgression and other intimate details then they are less likely to do emotional harm to you if they care for you. If they know nothing about you then you are just a blank slate and they can continue to write thier own story about who you are or aren't and use you while caring nothing about you. It is kinda of like how a kidnapper does not talk to the person he kidnaps. They can't afford to have intimate knowledge of the person they are doing harm to because it turns them into a real person not worthy of harmful treatment.

Women tend to try and feel a man out by talking, more than a man would (we men are just crazy that way) because women are nurturing the relationship and want it to grow and men in the beginning of the relationship just want see where it will go. Women genuinely want to know what is on thier man's mind. Well ladies, you already know what's on most men's minds (SEX, SPORTS, SEX, SANDWICHES, SEX, SLEEPING,SEX and... oh yeah SEX). But seriously.... it can't possibly be easy on any woman trying to figure out a man that only opens his mouth to, chug a beer, eat some food, and to belch or yawn. The rewards are numerous for men if they would just pay more attention to our women. Most men may think that women talk too much. It is not that the woman is talking too much it is because as her man you are not participating in the conversations that she feels are important to move your relationship forward to fruition. She may even be willing to talk less and act more in the ways that you want her to if she feels appreciated and that the relationship is going places. Because contrary to popular belief most women don't talk too much. It's us as men that aren't talking enough to nurture our relationships and gain profound understanding of the women that share our lives and not just our beds. Women just want that feeling of security and appreciation. They want to get to know thier men better to strengthen thier relationships and progress towards a future together. And once they feel that they have that, then there's really nothing else left to say.

S.L.

Following your heart...chasing your dreams

DISCLAIMER

This is not happening in my life right now.

!!!!THIS BLOG IS A REPOST FROM MY OLD SITE!!!

Maybe I just don't have the mental stamina for relationships. I question myself at times. I know this is not true but that was how I was feeling when I was compiling this blog. I was feeling sorry for myself. Well people can't help who they fall in love with or for how long. People get together on a daily basis eventhough they are not really compatible. Sometimes two really great people get together and they have chemistry but then something happens. A metamorphosis of some kind. One of the two people begans to evolve into the person they want to become and thier dreams are way different from the dreams that they shared when they first got together as a couple. Or sometimes in some cases they are not honest with themselves or the one they are with and keep those dreams to themselves because they are really digging that person they are with and thier dreams may not fit into the scheme of things. What happens with your goals, ambitions and dreams then?

So what do you do?!? Do you move on to someone else who is more like who you are now, or do you hold onto that person you are with because you love them and they were good for you at that time. I am not a trained psychologist but I have been passing out instruction like the government once passed out cheese. People have come to rely on me as a quasiclinical (sic) source for step by step instructions to get themselves or thier relationships correct and my advice was hard for them to swallow.

I am guilty of passing out this information and on rare occasions have passed it out without thinking how it will affect that person because I gave the advice from a personal standpoint. Now I take the time to think things through before I engage my tongue. I say all of this to say that eventhough I have passed out this information and instructions I am now in need of my own, and the pill has been so hard to swallow. ???????? I lost a few of you back in the last row and thats ok. I will clarify. I chose to let a relationship go because my dreams that I had did not coincide with the person that I was with. The nature of my dreams were not debatable. I have to follow them and with mourning in my heart I had to make that relationship a casualty.

Well some of you out there will probably look on me with disdain and that's ok. I really understand how you feel. But, when I look back on it, I was not happy. Sure I had moments of happiness but I was not happy inside. This nature of being unhappy was beginning to manifest itself in other ways that was harmful to the woman that I was with. I began to change and become a shell of the man that I know that I am. That unhappiness caused me to not bring my A game to the relationship and be neglectful. Now this was not fair to her. I discussed it with her time and time again but it is in a woman's nature to think that they can fix anything given enough time.

Now granted I loved this woman tremendously but in the pursuit of my dreams, I had to take a stance and love me more. Selfish it may be but the damage had been done. In hindsight it would have been more selfish to stay with her. I've been told that in relationships you are suppose to love that person more than you love yourself. When you think about it, if you don't love yourself first, are you truly incapable of loving others with the intensity they deserve. I say all of this to point out that when you don't pursue your dreams, your happiness meter will take a serious plunge. Negative things such as weight loss, headaches and a compromised immune system along with other physical ailments may surface because you are not healthy on the inside. You have to take care of you and that includes feeding that imagination and chasing what you desire the most. Your dreams. Because without dreams we are little more than the shells we occupy.

Just food for thought but I know some of you aren't hungry

S.L.

Role Models... What Ever Happened To Parenting?

Where should I begin? It seems that today most parents have overly relied on television and other media to raise their children. It seems like they can’t be bothered. Granted it is a good distraction for a time, but should not be abused. Some parents have over used play dates and nanny services to pursue selfish me time events that has put distance between them and their children. The child has changed into this new person that they don’t know. The parent doesn’t understand what is going on with their child. Well, that tends to happen when you push your offspring off on others to have them be raised, when it should be you. Children gain a certain amount of identity from what they observe on television if that is all they are exposed to. They gain more when they interact with their peers and surroundings.

Parents encourage these children to find role models. They tell their children to look to star athletes, singers, movie stars or political figures. They are encouraged to emulate these people and adopt their attributes. Then something goes wrong. That role model who that child is emulating does something completely human and makes a mistake. Now the parent is outraged. I guess because they will now have to do some actual parenting. I don’t know.

I will use the examples of Tiger Woods and Kobe Bryant. These men are phenomenal at what they do. Kobe Bryant is at the peak of his game. A star that is averaging no less than 40pts a game. He’s a dynamic athlete that will inspire generations of children to perform at their best while on the court. Tiger Woods took a sport where Blacks were not readily accepted and turned it on its ear. Now when you think of golf you think Tiger Woods. He is a marvelous golfer who can’t be touched. Oh, I guess it should be mentioned that these men also cheated on their wives.

It is amazing to me that now when most parents think of Tiger Woods, all they can focus on is that he is an adulterer. The fact that he is a billion dollar athlete with countless awards and endorsements has gone out the window. Kobe was in the that same derelict naval vessel at one time as well. All they could think of when Kobe was mentioned, was a little hole in the wall town in Colorado, and the young lady that he transgressed against. It has taken Kobe time to get over Eagle, Colorado. I think he is still trying to get over that hump (no pun intended). All of Kobe's remarkable qualities that drew people close to the television for the Lake Show were discounted and thrown out the window; because of one thoughtless act that seemed to wipe his whole career slate clean. These men are human beings who are far from perfect and they make mistakes.

These men are not famous because of their flawless morality. Their ROLE is that they are dynamic athletes. They have pushed the envelope of their craft and continue to improve upon their game. The role they serve is to show children and the world how the sport can be played. How they have overcome odds and have come out on top. If I had a son and he came home excited about playing golf I would most definitely advise him to emulate Tiger Woods. Tiger Woods role is an amazing golfer. His work ethic is superb and worthy to be imitated. My child could do a lot worse in trying to find someone that can touch Tiger Woods game. If my child wanted to play basketball, I would tell him about Kobe Bryant’s work ethic and how he practices his free throws and jump shot and puts in extra hours of practice to become better. How he constantly studies his own tapes along with that of the competition to keep him sharp. Kobe’s role is that of a phenomenal basketball player.

The only time a “role model’s” morality should come into play is if morality and being an upstanding citizen of influence is that person’s role. If my child came home and states he wants to be a priest then I am not going to refer him to Jim Bakker or Jimmy Swaggert. Both of these men made mistakes and brought shame to themselves and their ministry. Their role is that of a MORAL person. Their job is to inspire and lead and of that, their role comes into play heavily. My child would have to find someone else to be their inspiration.

I guess my point in all of this is that as parents you are the role model for your children. Raising them right begins with the effort involved in raising them. Spending time with them and shaping them is more beneficial than plopping them down in front of the television for hours at a time while you are getting some me time. I am not condemning parents that need me time. We all need it however, it should not be abused. Your role is being their parents. Your examples are what should be guiding them into adulthood. Parents should not be relying on the example of others for they are not the ones that are raising them. I guess the bottom line is that parents should remember their own roles before telling their children to seek roles of their own. Your child is a lump of clay that is to be molded into a productive adult. Do you really want the strange hands of a foreign sculptor molding them?

S.L.

The Doctor is IN ?????

Who do you think you are? That's a good question. Let me answer that for you in this brief blog. Foremost, I'm the person that you came to seeking advice. You were directed to me by someone who I may have helped along the way. Like it or not the answers for those that have seeked my council are not from Winchell's Donuts nor Dolly Madison. In other words it will not be sugar coated or sweet all the time. I am honest with those that seek my advice almost to a fault but I am not brutal. If you are making poor life choices when it comes to your relationships then I will bring those choices to your attention and offer a bit of instruction how to turn that situation around. People don't make poor choices because of a mental deficiency. Most times it is a heart deficiency. Too much emotion and not enough thinking is involved. Feelings have to be boxed up and logic unpacked.

Secondly I'm a realist, If you are in a bad relationship, I will not tell you to leave that person because you still have strong emotional ties. What I will tell you is when you've had enough of what has made you unhappy so far then no one will have to tell you to leave. You will depart on your own. What I do is reenforce the beliefs in your good qualities and present the possibilities to you of a brighter future once you have corrected the poor decisions that have brought you to this point. I won't enable your current behavior but will try to show you other ways of thinking.

Thirdly I prefer to consider myself a life coach. I have studied psychology and sociology but I am neither a psychologist nor a sociologist. The majority of us know that most life coaches do not have degrees. What they do possess is life experience that they share with others and offer guidance. This guidance comes from years of observation, trial and error and obtaining wisdom from thier own pain and suffering, as well as keeping the wisdom they obtained from listening to others wiser than themselves. I don't usually offer advice but mainly instructions when asked.

Most days I can be found observing people (mainly couples) on my lunch break. I watch them while they interact with one another. I see them laugh together, lie to one another, and (most times) quietly argue so a scene is not made. I can usually tell which of these two people is into the other more by thier body language. Discern what troubles they are having from tidbits of conversations I hear. I take it all in in order to be a better man in my present relationship. Also, what I witness, assists me to help others when they ask for instructions. My advice is far from perfect and is not cookie cutter. What may help one person or couple will not assist another in the least. I am only here to help shed a little bit of light into the darkness that you feel is around you.

Thses are a few of the roles of who I am.


S.L.

Sex with the X

You just happen to be at the mall or at that concert that you have been dying to go to. Your getting your shopping done or you are grooving to the music when all of a sudden you bump into someone. You get your bearings and realize that the eyes you are gazing into are very familiar. They belong to your ex. You're not with your woman/man and she/he's not with anyone at that time so you two decide to catch up on things because its been a minute since the pain has subsided and you can now talk to each other without tissue or medication.

You start up conversation and this leads to getting a bite to eat. You feel comfortable. Willing to forget the past transgressions and the more you eat and talk and drink you think this feels right and you loosen up. One thing leads to another and before you know it... you're having sex with your ex. What is it that is so appealing about sleeping with your ex. I mean it can't be all equipment and technique (Ok it can, but that would be real shallow ). Maybe it is the familiarity. They know your body. They made you feel special at one time or they touched spots on you or in you that you didn't even know were there.

I have had this happen to me in my past. The woman that I stepped back to was not good for me but damn she was good. When we were together she made me crazy but the sex was phenomenal and I loved (lusted for) her deeply. I know I was wrong but I carried feelings for her even into my next relationship and when the opportunity presented itself again for us to be together again we both took it. It didn't matter that I was in that relationship or that she had a man. Our need of each other was too great and as doggish as it may seem we acted on it.

Her skin was so soft and her body moved in sync with mine. The way she kissed me was incredible. The chemistry we still had for each other could not be denied. It was like going back home after being gone for so long. It just felt right. That feeling of warm and fuzzy as we touched our warm and fuzzies together was something that as a human being was so hard to deny myself. After the love making was over there was the regret. I realized that she was still the same woman that I had to leave and I had to tell the woman I was with what had transpired (That conversation went real well...yeah right).

I guess we as human beings want to feel good and if that source of pleasure comes from a former source of pain then that becomes irrelevant at the time as long as that need is met. I can not offer a concrete reason why sex with the ex was so appealing to some. I think for me it satisfied a need that I had at that time and in some instance brought a certain amount of (I hate this word) closure. As I have gotten older I realize that the tempation is just not worth it. The person that left you or that you left is still always beneath the surface of that pleasure they can bring you. It doesn't matter if they brought you multiple orgasms, made you feel like you were a god/goddess or made your toes curl in knots at one time. The end result is if that if they have not changed since your break up, they also know how to push your buttons and break your heart.

This is just one of the many pills in my bottle. Can you swallow it?

S.L.

Fantasies...fetishes...foreplay...freesomes

"I feel that a woman has every right to express herself sexually and sleep with a multitude just as a man does."

Most men may feel that I'm just saying this to gain favor with the ladies but that is how I genuinely feel, religious beliefs aside. You will see that I'm not the average guy. I have a very open mind when it comes to heterosexuality. If a man sleeps with a lot of different women in the eyes of society he is just taking care of his wild oats and is considered a better man for it later on in life. Now if a woman takes this same outlook she is considered a whore. Is that fair? Sniff, sniff. Does anyone else smell the bullshit besides me?

If a man sleeps with a multitude of women he is just as whorish as that woman in question. No exceptions. I've been whorish in my past but I'm not alone in this club. It's alot of you still paying membership dues in this club. In this age of machines that think and people that don't you would think the answers would be obvious to us all. We need to be more open and honest with our partners about our sexual feelings and our desires. We are still keeping them bottled up and hidden in order to spare feelings. I mean you can't be a complete freak in public. They lock folks up for that but our inhibitions need to be cast to the wind in the privacy of our own homes. Sex is just sex. I have also gotten strange looks from women and men when I have said that.

Some feel that my attitude is too cavilier about sex and relationships but one has little to do with the other. Intimacy and feelings of love are different from sex and sexual fantasy. I feel that a nice healthy dose of fantasy keeps a relationship fresh and you won't be bored. Boredom will kill your relationship real fast. If I'm in a relationship and my woman wants to bring home another woman for me I would be game for a threesome. As long as the women are into me and not diggity dyking. I'm not into seeing women freak each other. It doesn't really do anything for me but that's just my personal taste. Now if they are all over me then that would be different. At the same time if she comes to me later on in the relationship and tells me that she would like another man to join us in bed then I have to be game for that as well. (As long as the dude ain't touching me I'm cool) It is about compromise. Men are very reluctant to talk to thier woman about alot of thier fantasies because of fear of rejection or for being judged. The most powerful aphrodisiac for a man is a woman that does not judge him. Most men would agree with me. I went to a few websites and took a poll from men and the results were similiar. The following are the top ten fantasies (in order from the most prevalent to the least) that most men want:

1. Sexual fantasies about your present partner (Yes ladies your man wants you to be his fantasy)

2. Sex with his woman's best friend (Dangerous as hell but if she's hot and your consenting then have a blast)

3. Having sex with two or more women (No!!! Really )

4. Receiving or giving oral sex (Men love head....no surprise there)

5. Voyeurism or Exhibitionism (Men love to watch others have sex...the porn industry can't be wrong)

6. Having your partner masturbate for you (That's just hot...no for real that's just hot to have your woman masturbate for you)

7. Anal sex (Taboo but men fantasize about this)

8. Bondage and S & M (Personally I got enough ass whoopinz as a kid but whatever gets you going... Now I will tie a woman up in a minute LOL)

9. Sexual Ravaging/ Rape fantasies (Ok a good ravaging will get you a ham sandwich with the crust cut off and some kool aid afterwards)

10. Having sex with a random woman (I guess the unknown factor is hot to those that I polled)

Now I polled women as well and I will put thier fantasies in a separate blog at a later date. I guess the point of this blog is to enlighten and to vent because I tire of the whole "women are to remain pure and not be seen as real people" vibe that uptight society has going on. They are put on a pedestal. Put up so high that thier current man will not even touch them. Men tend to view thier wives and the mother of their children differently than they would another woman they would openly have sex with. Women have the same sexual desires and sex drives as men and men need to wake up to this fact. Women want to be loved and want that slow love making. But, sometimes a woman wants to be treated with a gag in her mouth, spanked, choked, bodily fluids deposited on her, licked, sucked, kissed, fucked and just opened up and fully explored and banged hard. This can't happen if her man has a Madonna complex about his woman. He needs to wake up or else he will never know his womans inner freak. Maybe a threesome once every 3 years will put a spark in your relationship...male or female. Maybe him worshipping your feet or tying you up and gagging you with your kids Spiderman footie pajamas gets him off. You have to be open to all the fantasies. I am not saying that all are to be explored but communication and being able to be free around your lover is refreshing. Compromise is key. Sexuality is just one form of expression and we just have to keep our minds open to the possibilities.



I'm keeping my mind open...step inside after your wipe your feet.

S.L.

We're Breaking Up…Now What?!?

There was a time when the world would only turn when the love of your life came into the room. The sound of their voice was a comfort. The way they touched/kissed you made you shiver and nothing else mattered in those moments. Eventually, they started acting differently, pulling away from you emotionally, and now they feel they need space. They want to see other people. So how did it come down to this? This moment in time where your heart feels like it has painfully stopped and your mind is clouded. The BREAK UP. There aren’t many other moments in life that bring about more confusion and bad feelings than discontinuing a relationship. Especially if it is a relationship that you thought was working out just fine. The reasons for the break up are not nearly as important as its aftermath. They’ve decided that they aren’t coming back. So now what? What about me?!?

It is simple for others to simply say just move on. But nothing is really that simple. What does moving on entail? Does it mean throwing caution to the wind and getting right back on that proverbial dating horse and wrangling your next greatest love? Chances are if you take this approach immediately after your break up then you are setting yourself up to fail and just using that new person. No one wants to be Mrs. or Mr. T. The “T” in this case stands for Transitional. If you jump into a relationship immediately after someone has hurt you then the only purpose this next person is going to serve is to help you pass the time until your wounds mend. Most likely you will do to that person what your ex has done to you and this isn’t fair to yourself or that other person. Time heals all wounds. Doesn’t get more cliché than that. However, that age old anecdote is true but it depends on how you pass that time.

The first thing that should be done is remove the physical evidence of that past relationship and do a cleansing. There is no point in keeping those framed photos for they just harbor bad memories of a couple that no longer exists. If the need for it arises, then a good cry is healthy as well. Now is the time to put away all those presents or any once treasured trinkets that remind you of your ex. You don’t have to do anything drastic such as pouring gas over them and starting a bonfire, but keeping these items around only opens the door to denial. You may feel that with these pieces of her/him around that there is hope and that may tempt you to call them. Seeking another chance at restarting something that is over in their minds is not healthy for you. You may have to discontinue relationships with mutual friends and this is always hard. However, depending on your state of mind it may be necessary. If you keep your mutual friends, you will be confronted with things that remind you of them. This will cause a lot more heartache and the healing process will take that much longer. Right now you are at the peak of vulnerability and bad decisions are made from self pity. Remember that nothing about you has changed other than you now have an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. You are still the same person you were before you met them and your attributes are not defined by others. What attracted your ex to you will eventually attract others to you as well once you are whole again.

If you find yourself not being able to deal with the world around you then you may need to take some time off work or school for a few days. During this absence, take the time to reflect on your positive qualities, the direction of your life and what the future may hold. This time will be passed by doing the things that make you feel good. Treat yourself to a pampering (and guys this is not just for women). It is important to feel positive about yourself. Enjoy your hobbies, read a self help book, listen to music that doesn’t have memories attached to the melody. Being in a state of relaxation will banish negativity from your mind and eventually put you in a better state to deal with the world around you. This can be a very lonely time if you let it, so it would also help to have family and friends around that can help you through this process by comforting you and letting you vent, discuss your feelings and give you much needed advice. Whatever you do, don’t stay at home and wallow. There is nothing lonelier and more self destructive than locking yourself away from the world and reflecting on what went wrong. Keeping yourself busy socializing and being in the presence of those that love and care for you will make this hard time less lonely. A good laugh from a friend now can erase hours of potential crying later.

Unfortunately I can’t offer a magic equation of how long you will need or should take between relationships. I would say that once you feel that adequate time has passed to get over your ex then you should tread slowly back into the dating scene. Don’t be in a rush to be in love again and don’t let yourself become consumed by this new love interest that you are still getting to know. Take things slow and make sure your interests and life goals are the same. There is more to compatibility than what is on the outside. Take the necessary time to get to know your new potential love interest and let them in your life a little at a time and watch as this will strengthen both you and your new relationship.

S. L.

Soul Mates

There are those that believe that a soul mate is the one and only person that they will get with and they will never argue and life will be so sweet and filled with joy and they will live happily ever after. I don't and can't believe in this idyllic fantasy. There are way too many variable for this theory to work. It is just too much to fathom and I will explain why I feel this way.

There have been trillions of souls that have come and gone since that first bite of forbidden fruit. There will probably be trillions more after your bones have turned to dust. Just knowing that alone what are the odds that your perfect mate is even alive in your life time. It is the year 2010 (Where did the time go?) and here we are still looking for that one person that will complete us. That will add to our happiness meter.

I tend to be cynical on this subject. I have had some really great women come into my life but can I really say that they were my soul mate. Probably not. I was with a woman at one time that I felt was my one and only. Yet that relationship did not bare the fruit we would hope to consume. How many soul mates do we get during this spin on the rock? She and I didn't work out and at times I tend to visit those memories. Opening old baggage and examining the contents. I make my list of all the wrongs and rights and I used to front when I was younger that I didn't miss her after it was over (Ah! the misguidings of youth).

But to tie in my intro I ask this question: Who's to say that my soul mate is even alive in my lifetime? How do I know she was not a dirt poor goat herder in Africa during the year 1583? Or that she was married to a fisherman in China during the Ming Dynasty. You are probably thinking "What's this man been smoking? And where can I get me some of that?" All levity aside for the moment. What if she is alive during my life time?

So many variables come into play that can prevent you from meeting. I'm 39 years old (Still looking good. LOL) and live in Cali, but what if my potential soul mate is 84 and laying on her death bed in a convalescent hospital in the state of Maine. Or what if she is just being born in a community hospital down in Florida. Ok those are extreme examples but, lastly what if the love of my life is in my age group, has a wonderful personality, fine as hell but lives in a remote terrorist village in Darkcornerstan in the Middle East and doesn't speak a word of my language. What is the likelihood that we will ever set eyes on each other? Not likely. I guess my point in all of this is to say that if you are sitting around waiting for that one person that is going to like everything about you and be absolutely perfect because they are your soul mate then...good luck with that.

In conclusion, I say that you may only get one soul mate in life and if you find them you are truly blessed. However if you don't find that one elusive person then, there are people out there that will love you and cherish the fact that they have you in their life. They might not be the perfect person but they will be perfect for you and that is what I think a soul mate is. The one or in this case the ones that are right for you. That individual that will give your happiness meter a nice healthy boost.



Just food for thought but be careful it may be fattening



S.L.

Love and....Extortion

How could you do this to me (after all I've done for you)? I can't believe you're being so selfish. This isn't like you. You're only thinking of yourself. You never think about my feelings. I really thought you were different from the other women/men I've been with. I guess I was wrong. Classic lines from those that would try to bend our wills to go along with thier wishes.

It seems as if the above statements burn a hole in your very soul when you hear them. At some point especially if you are with a person that is manipulating you these words come more often than others. Usually they surface like an enflamed pimple when the extortionist is not getting thier way. How do you deal with this type of blackmail. Is ignoring it the best solution? More often than not this is not the correct means. Your mate in this case will only turn up the heat and make you feel worse if you don't already do so. They play on your love for them. It would seem that the level of respect is not there. Your opinions or in this case your differences of opinion are not respected. The extortionist is only out for thier personal gain by getting what they want from you. But what about the person who extorts through anger that is expressed covertly through sulks and suffering? When they say nothing, what can you say or do? For most of us, the silent treatment is so damn maddening and crazy that an overt attack is often preferred. Sometimes it seems as if nothing works with this kind of extortionist, and sometimes in the end nothing does. They resort to some of the following forms of manipulation to get what they want:

Threaten to make your life a living hell if you don't do what they want.

Constantly threaten to break things off if you don't give in.

Regularly ignore or discount YOUR feelings and wants.

Tell you or imply that they will neglect, hurt themselves, or become depressed if you don't do what they want.

Use money or if you have children as a weapon against you to get their own way.

It's hard not to give into these temptaions but you have to stick to your guns. I think that you'll have the most success if you stick to non defensive communication and stay conscious of what it is you really want. That level of respect. That will be the goal. To have communication that is OPEN and really HONEST. I hope this answers those questions for you. You know who you are.

Keep an open mind but beware of what's outside.

S.L.