We're Breaking Up…Now What?!?

There was a time when the world would only turn when the love of your life came into the room. The sound of their voice was a comfort. The way they touched/kissed you made you shiver and nothing else mattered in those moments. Eventually, they started acting differently, pulling away from you emotionally, and now they feel they need space. They want to see other people. So how did it come down to this? This moment in time where your heart feels like it has painfully stopped and your mind is clouded. The BREAK UP. There aren’t many other moments in life that bring about more confusion and bad feelings than discontinuing a relationship. Especially if it is a relationship that you thought was working out just fine. The reasons for the break up are not nearly as important as its aftermath. They’ve decided that they aren’t coming back. So now what? What about me?!?

It is simple for others to simply say just move on. But nothing is really that simple. What does moving on entail? Does it mean throwing caution to the wind and getting right back on that proverbial dating horse and wrangling your next greatest love? Chances are if you take this approach immediately after your break up then you are setting yourself up to fail and just using that new person. No one wants to be Mrs. or Mr. T. The “T” in this case stands for Transitional. If you jump into a relationship immediately after someone has hurt you then the only purpose this next person is going to serve is to help you pass the time until your wounds mend. Most likely you will do to that person what your ex has done to you and this isn’t fair to yourself or that other person. Time heals all wounds. Doesn’t get more cliché than that. However, that age old anecdote is true but it depends on how you pass that time.

The first thing that should be done is remove the physical evidence of that past relationship and do a cleansing. There is no point in keeping those framed photos for they just harbor bad memories of a couple that no longer exists. If the need for it arises, then a good cry is healthy as well. Now is the time to put away all those presents or any once treasured trinkets that remind you of your ex. You don’t have to do anything drastic such as pouring gas over them and starting a bonfire, but keeping these items around only opens the door to denial. You may feel that with these pieces of her/him around that there is hope and that may tempt you to call them. Seeking another chance at restarting something that is over in their minds is not healthy for you. You may have to discontinue relationships with mutual friends and this is always hard. However, depending on your state of mind it may be necessary. If you keep your mutual friends, you will be confronted with things that remind you of them. This will cause a lot more heartache and the healing process will take that much longer. Right now you are at the peak of vulnerability and bad decisions are made from self pity. Remember that nothing about you has changed other than you now have an ex-boyfriend/girlfriend. You are still the same person you were before you met them and your attributes are not defined by others. What attracted your ex to you will eventually attract others to you as well once you are whole again.

If you find yourself not being able to deal with the world around you then you may need to take some time off work or school for a few days. During this absence, take the time to reflect on your positive qualities, the direction of your life and what the future may hold. This time will be passed by doing the things that make you feel good. Treat yourself to a pampering (and guys this is not just for women). It is important to feel positive about yourself. Enjoy your hobbies, read a self help book, listen to music that doesn’t have memories attached to the melody. Being in a state of relaxation will banish negativity from your mind and eventually put you in a better state to deal with the world around you. This can be a very lonely time if you let it, so it would also help to have family and friends around that can help you through this process by comforting you and letting you vent, discuss your feelings and give you much needed advice. Whatever you do, don’t stay at home and wallow. There is nothing lonelier and more self destructive than locking yourself away from the world and reflecting on what went wrong. Keeping yourself busy socializing and being in the presence of those that love and care for you will make this hard time less lonely. A good laugh from a friend now can erase hours of potential crying later.

Unfortunately I can’t offer a magic equation of how long you will need or should take between relationships. I would say that once you feel that adequate time has passed to get over your ex then you should tread slowly back into the dating scene. Don’t be in a rush to be in love again and don’t let yourself become consumed by this new love interest that you are still getting to know. Take things slow and make sure your interests and life goals are the same. There is more to compatibility than what is on the outside. Take the necessary time to get to know your new potential love interest and let them in your life a little at a time and watch as this will strengthen both you and your new relationship.

S. L.