Capacity To Love - Monogamy, Love Triangles, Quadrangles, And Beyond

This will be a short one. I hear it said all the time that you can not love more than one person at one time. More specifically you can't be in love with more than one person at one time. In my opinion I have to call bullshit. When I speak to people regarding others in their lives they usually have interesting things to say. For example; when I spoke with one woman in particular who had a very dramatic life she indicated all the people in her life who she did not like and those that she down right abhorred. Multiple people with some very strong emotion behind it. However when I speak to women they say that we as human beings (particularly men) can't be in love with more than one person (one woman) at a time. They say that it isn't real for any one other than the one they should be with. Yet these same women can run down a laundry list of women and men that they hate. HATE.... that is a very strong emotion. I would say it has equal play on the field of emotion as love does and it is just as strong. Some wondrous things have been done in the name of both love and hate. Yet they are telling me that the human mind can process this strong emotion of hate for a MULTITUDE of people yet love... love can't be processed for more than one person at a time. Makes me scratch my head. How can that be? Research on emotion has increased significantly in just my life time alone. I can't wait to see what else further develops. I know people are accused of wearing their emotions on their sleeves. Realistically very few actually go around carrying all of the emotions that they have for every person that they have in their lives with them at all times. Whether those feelings be love or hate or all the others in between our brains compartmentalize our feelings. I think we would be purely nuts if we had all of our emotions come out at one time and in regards to everyone we love or hated. Now that would be overwhelming. Think about this. The human mind processes so much information that we take in all the hours while awake. It remembers conversations we had with playmates when we were 4 years old. It processes all the things we see, hear, taste, touch. Categorizes all of that, stores it for memory and recollection and even while doing all of that it runs a multitude of subconscious routines that keep us alive and healthy. It regulates your heart beat, draws breath into your lungs, controls your digestion, etc, etc, etc. For the most part the brain unconscious/subconscious activities include repressed feelings, automatic skills, subliminal perceptions, thoughts, habits, and automatic reactions, and possibly also complexes, hidden phobias and desires. So for one to say that it is not capable of processing a multitude of emotion is really not accurate. I think it is mainly the selfish condition of human beings that do not want others to be able to process love or being in love with more than one person at a time. This is just my pinprick of light and ensight, however it may still be too bright for some to gaze upon.

The X Factor

I did a brief Facebook rant about this and decided to turn it into a full blog. People break up and that is a known fact. What brought you together is not nearly as important as what tore you apart. It would seem that the friendship you had with your once ex was able to survive. It made it through the heart break and bad feelings of the break up and you and them are now cool. You can talk on the phone about most things. It would even seem that your bond is stronger now than when you were lovers. Go figure. They can call on you when they need a helping hand, and you can call on them when you need one. Enter onto this scene of newfound bliss is your new girlfriend/boyfriend *cue evil music here*. This new relationship has issues with who you are friends with.

Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time around me knows that I usually don’t give former lovers titles. I introduce them as my friend because that is what they are to me now regardless of what was experienced when we were a couple. In my past I have been accused of being sneaky because I introduced a former lover to a current relationship as my friend. However, this girlfriend forgot that I had told her about my ex but she forgot the name. My thinking behind this is that once a person is introduced to another as EX then assumptions are made, guards are put up, and general nastiness follows. That person can not be experienced for who they are as a person. Instead they are labeled by what title they were given. Now your interactions are being watched even more closely with them and everything is scrutinized. You and them may have a cool relationship but now you have your current relationship that is mistrusting of that friendship.

So I guess the real questions that should be asked is….How far do you go to appease your present girlfriend/boyfriend? Should people forgo titles when introducing former lovers, just for peace of mind sake? Let’s run over a couple of scenarios. Scenario 1: The phone rings at 11:30 am in and it is your ex calling. Their car has broke down and they asked could you pick take them to an appointment. They have a ride home and say you should be done in thirty minutes. Prior to you getting with your present girlfriend/boyfriend this was something you would not have hesitated to perform. After all you are just friends with them now and favors come along with friend ship. But now the new relationship has a problem with you being a civil human being. They say “I do trust you, but it’s them I don’t trust.” Scenario 2: Your cell phone rings at 11:30 pm and your ex is on the phone crying and they had a bad day and want to know can you come over and cheer them up so they can feel better. In these situations it would seem that the answers are obvious.

Scenario 1 should be a no brainer. The time of day is early. You should only be gone for half an hour or so and it is a friend in need. Even though you and your ex are not getting back together, they don’t deserve to be abandoned if you have a strong friendship. Scenario 2 will most certainly get you cut down to the bone if you walk out the door. The time of night is just wrong. This is well into the booty call hours and your friend should know it is not appropriate to call so late. Added to this is a vulnerable person on the other end of that phone and things may happen if left open. Back to Scenario 1 and any situation similar. So now you are between a rock and a hard place. You and your ex are not going back down that road again. So now do you jeopardize the friendship and tell them you can’t help them because so-and-so doesn’t like it. Or do you have to tell your new relationship to step off and grow up?

It would seem that the answer is to tell this new addition to your life to step the fuck off and grow up. (SIGH) Well as much as you would like to stick a sock in their mouth and make them deal with it, problems are never that simple. If you are trying to make a life with this person then everything is open for discussion. Nothing is wrong with discussing your feelings because communication is essential. You can always offer to take the new boyfriend/girlfriend along to ease their minds. But why should you need a chaperone to be a friend to someone. The problem for me (as well as most grown ups) is when someone tells you that you should not be around this person because you had history. So…what I take from that statement when it is made is, basically that you don’t have the capacity to make decisions to manage your own relationships. Well I say that I’m a grown ass man and have been a man longer than I was a child (*insider*).

Being grown means we make decisions all day long. Decisions that impact your life on deeper levels. The very idea of someone coming at you and telling you that you are not able to make your own decisions is down right insulting. However it is up to you. You can choose to get rid of someone that you had a significant relationship with because it would increase the comfort level of your present relationship. I find the very idea to be ridiculous. It’s like them saying that all your years of personal experience of being you don’t mean anything and they know you better. Like I said earlier, I make decisions that impact my life all day. These decisions I make are more profound than who I’m going to kick it with this weekend. So making the decision to manage my relationships is not a hard task.

People will always try to hide things by saying that it is not you they are worried about. They only fear what may happen if they don’t tell you how they feel. They don’t want to lose you to what you had with this person. But this liberal application of sugar coating is purely bullshit. It is their own inadequacies they want to remain hidden.
I guess I hit the bottom line. We as individuals know how to manage our relationships. Whether these relationships be friendships, or beyond. If our core values is intact then we are not going to jeopardize our love lives. As adults we should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without it raising red flags. You shouldn’t have to ransom your past friendships for your current relationship. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and say “I got this and I don’t need you to make my decisions for me” because ultimately the decision is yours. We can make our own choices. Besides... no one wants to be micromanaged.


S.L.

Baby Mama/Daddy Drama

I decided to condense this blog from two down to one. Most of the items that are covered here are interchangeable between mother and father depending on who is involved. Dealing with a deadbeat dad or a psychotic baby’s mother is never an easy task. I will start with the drama that is usually associated with men and their child’s mother.

Well here you are brother and you’ve come a long way. It may seem like only yesterday that you met her, made future plans, consumed each other with passion and then fell in and out of love with each other. It was a beautiful relationship, but now it is over. The circumstances that led you here is not nearly as important as this final destination. Whether you were madly in love with her or it was an irresponsible one night stand, you’re here. You now have a child by this woman and you are no longer able to work things out.

There’s no magical equation that is going to help you get along after you break up. Women are all different and react in kind. It should also be taken into account that emotions run high during break ups and can bring out the worst in people both male and female. That once sweet and understanding woman may turn into a ravenous, rabid rottweiler. A rottweiler that hasn’t eaten in days and you are pile of raw meat. Unfortunately there is little that can be done to dispel that storm of emotions. Time heals all wounds and (insert cliché here). My granny always said that common sense ain’t common. All disclaimers aside, if you follow a few common sense instructions, you can ride it out in the eye of that storm until it passes on its own.

Waiting for that storm to pass you by means being prepared and staying ahead of the game. If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready. Staying ahead of the game starts with being respectful and aware of what is going on emotionally with your child’s mother. Whatever you do, don’t call her “yo baby momma”. After you introduce her as such you will feel enough heat coming off of her to boil a pot of water. Let’s face it fellas; we as men don’t care if we are introduced as “this my baby daddy”. However, when dealing with women, this title makes them cringe. The negative associations with this title alone does not sit well with them. Caricatures of uneducated, loud, obnoxious ghetto women come to mind (Can anyone say The Maury Show). Most women feel that the title “baby momma” reduces them to a role and takes away who they are as individuals. It’s as if the only thing she was good for, was to produce a child and that is it. Always refer to her as “your child’s mother” Sure some men may argue apples and oranges and feel that this is the same thing. However, there are no negative stereotypes associated with being called the mother of my child. This title is simply a more respectable way to introduce her to others. It will also draw some of that heat off of you.

Now that I got the intro out the way let’s talk C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). You should already know this fellas. If you don’t…well I don’t know what to tell you partner. Nothing will send a woman over the proverbial edge faster than a man who fathered a child with her and now he won’t/doesn’t take care of it. When you got her pregnant and you agreed/or didn’t agree to have this kid together (either way they are here), you signed an 18+ year contract. I’m not so callous as to view it in this way but I am breaking it down for the brothers. You made a commitment to support this woman and your child until it is grown. Look at the money you spend on your child as if it is any other bill. However, this is one bill you do not want to be late paying. You need to pay the full balance each month instead of just putting something on it. If you are late or slacking on payments the consequences will be dire. This is one bill collector that knows all about you, which buttons to push and will show up to your job/home in person with a really nasty attitude. Don’t do it to yourself.

Money may make the world go around but there is more to being a responsible father than simply writing a check. Even though you and your child’s mother weren’t able to make it as a couple she still has needs that you should take care of. In this case I don’t mean anything explicit such as having sex with yo baby mama (I can cover that in a different blog later). The simple fact is that taking care of a child by yourself is hard work. A mom who is a single parent rarely has time to get a good night’s sleep let alone have any personal time for herself to decompress. Single moms often neglect their own needs because the needs of their child come first. This selfless devotion to her child often comes at the cost of her appearance and emotional well being. All of her time is consumed with raising your child and this may leave her a little bitter. In her mind the scales are unbalanced and it seem like you are out running around care free with all the time in the world while she is confined to being responsible. It’s not fair.

Over time this may cause your child’s mother to harbor ill feelings towards you. This negativity can manifest in ways such as her not being at her best mentally. Her patience may get low or her temper may flare up due to being overwhelmed and this will affect how she takes care of your child. Being emotionally considerate means being there when she needs you to take care of the baby. The bottom line is if mama is not taken care of properly then baby will suffer. By the way…this is not a baby sitting assignment because you don’t babysit your own kids. As a father it is your responsibility to raise them and you must make time to bond and be there for them. If your child’s mother needs you to be there on unassigned days then so be it. You should be there. This does not mean be at her beckoned call and not have a life of your own. I’m not saying that at all fellas. However, allowances should be made for emergency situations or just for mental health days she may need. The guidelines you establish with your child's mother will help turn this difficult situation into a bearable one. You and she may lead separate lives now but, your child keeps you both connected.

A lot of the things I cover in the baby daddy drama section for the ladies can be applied to what may happen if a baby mama situation goes badly for a man. Mothers dealing with the fathers of their child/children often go through a different level of drama than men. When emotions are involved or relationships end badly most men don’t know how to handle it and this manifests itself in a lot of ways.

Immediately after the relationship is over you have to decide how you are going to handle the child/children situation. This is never easy especially if your child’s father did not want the relationship to be over. Most times when a man is not able to hold onto his woman he will try to hold on extra tight to his kids. Who was once a so so father has now turned into father of the year because he is trying to stick around and be in your life. It’s low but he will try to achieve that goal through the child/children you made together. Always have a plan to stay ahead of this. When he calls to see his children make sure that when you agree for him to see them that this is done at a public place. This way there really is no need to have a long drawn out conversation with him. He can pick his child/children up in full view of others and there is little chance that drama will unfold if he knows he is being watched. Whatever you do…do not meet at his house or have him come to yours. This is asking for trouble.

A lot of emotional content is lost in writing. Having said that, it may be good to only communicate via email or text messages only for awhile. You will be less likely to be angered, or feel the need to say or do something negative by something that you read. Since you will not be hearing his voice, there is less chance to glean a sarcastic tone or his huffing and puffing if it is in a text or email. Sure emoticons could be used by him but, who really gets mad when reading that someone else is angry at them with that cute little red angry face next to their message. Not me.

Now ladies, sometime women have children with complete crazy fools and these are the ones you have to watch out for. This is the type of man that will beat yo ass, kick you down a flight of steps, then call the police and wait for them to show up to take him to jail. If your child’s father is in this special category then you may want to get a third party involved when it comes to him seeing his children. Unfortunately even a psycho has the right to see their kids as long as they aren’t a danger to them. Gotta love our court system. This third party will be there to do the communicating between the two of you if it should get that bad. They will pass along messages and arrange for the kids to see him by picking them up and dropping them off. This person should be someone you trust and he respects. This could be his mother or an aunt who you’ve developed a positive relationship with.

If the drama is really bad then you may have to get the courts involved. I am not talking about the financial aspects. I covered that in the baby daddy section. The situation I am referring to is getting a TRO. This is a temporary restraining order. It can be a very helpful tool to controlling a fool that doesn’t want to go to jail. Most women don’t have to be told to get the courts involved when it comes to getting the money they need to take care of their child/children. Most times a relationship post break up will find a couple being adult enough to work things out without getting courts involved. I’ve known men that pay their child’s mother what they ask and all is well. However if that fails they get the law involved.

There is another side of the baby mama/daddy drama that I want to touch on. I’ve been involved in baby daddy drama and that was not fun. The side I want to talk about is the new person entering into the relationship. For this example I will use the lady’s side of things. Not only does your new man have to deal with his child’s mother, unfortunately you will have to as well in some degree. This will be a true strain on your relationship. If things ended badly between the two of them and if her feelings are still involved then the child’s mother is going to try to do what it takes to push your buttons, and push you two apart. You will have to make the effort to be the better woman. After all it is you that he has chosen to be with and this angers her. Whatever you do, please avoid physical altercations. Nothing will destroy your relationship faster.

When it comes to the child, you should really try to get along for their sake. Children pick up on conflict even when they don’t say anything to you directly about it. It affects them. During this trying time communication between you and your man is important. Discuss how you feel but be supportive. It is not good for him to fight a war on two separate fronts. He doesn’t need your insecurity and her jealousy/bitterness both tearing him apart. If you’ve done what you can to be the bigger person and his child’s mother is still being negative then there is nothing more you can do. You should avoid contact with his child’s mother and let him deal with her. Name calling and posturing due to jealousy is common among women that have been hurt. There is nothing you can do for her other than remain civil. This will help you and your relationship by not letting her get under your skin.

Hopefully the information you read hear will shed some sunlight on other wise stormy shores.

S.L.

What Happened To The Spark ?!?!?

What Happened To The Spark?!?!?


No matter how good a man may be at writing, he can only truly write from a male’s perspective. He may have a miniscule amount of insight into the minds of women if he is observant and asks the right questions. This mild disclaimer is to let you know that I don’t claim to know the minds of women and that this is written from a man’s point of view.

In the beginning….foreplay isn’t even forethought as your fingertips caress skin that you have coveted for so long. Lips touch; tongues circle as if in dance, connecting, tasting, and repeat. Clothes lie in orphaned heaps on the floor; hastily discarded as passion consumes you. Your bodies move in rhythm, thrusting, and grinding, moaning then release. In the afterglow, you’re thinking about when you can do it again. Improving ecstasy with increased orgasms. The proverbial iron is hot and the spark is there. New love. Nothing can be more beautiful than the first few times that a new couple makes love to each other. Just the thought of being in your new love’s presence is enough to spark a thousand erections or piles of moist panties.

Flash forward 6 months or a year into the relationship and now there is so much that needs to be done before a man/your man can get a drop of your morning dew to grace his blade of grass. Most men will attest to the fact that it doesn’t take much to get us going and ready for sex as we spend a great deal of time with some form of it on our mind. It would seem that foreplay is not as important for most men as it is for women. I think this is where the confusion comes into play because we were used to the tiger that mauled us when we came in the door without a moments thought. Now the kitten before us requires warm milk, a bath, fancy feast, her hair to be brushed along with other grooming before we can get our paws licked.

What is it about the beginning ladies that’s so sensual, where just the thought of your man is enough to have you hot and ready? We men get confused when 6 months into the relationship we still think we can whip it out and you will be instantly ready like you were on day one. I wish I could say that I am more enlightened and understand but I am just as clueless as the next guy on this front. You see for me, I view my woman the same way now, as I did when we first made love. Nothing about that has changed. I am aware that she has changed as have I as a person overall. However, my desire has not changed. That excitement level is still there; at least it is for me. All I need is that nod or the high sign, or whatever and it’s on. Nowadays the nod is a thing of the past and it takes a lot more stimulation both mental and physical to get going.

I was discouraged by this at first. I thought this was something that was strictly lain in my bed (figuratively speaking). However, when I talk to other men and read articles in magazines and on the web I discovered that this is a serious issue that a lot of men face. I am not knocking foreplay at all. I think it is great and should be incorporated into all aspects of making love. My point is not that a woman needs foreplay to get her physically ready for her lover. My point is that most women, after they get comfortable with their man, usually do not give them the nod anymore. And, let’s not talk about her being aggressive and taking the initiative. After that comfort level has been reached, it seems that in most women are content in having their man make all the moves to initiate sex.

I guess what myself and most men want to know is what happens. Where does the spark go from day one to day 180 when we notice that it is not there any longer?!? Ladies how is that your need of our body is just as great as ours is for yours? What happens to make it disappear? I understand that there are determining factors that could make you change. Things like your, man is not romantic anymore, or he is abusive in one form or another, or you’ve fallen out of love for whatever reason etc, etc, and etc. What about us men who have stayed consistent? Men like me who believe that what you do to get your woman is what you do to keep her. Every time you kiss her or touch her, you do it like it is the last night before Judgement Day. I’m not the only one either. There are good men out there who are not getting the loving from their woman that they want because she no longer has that zeal for him that was there in the beginning.

I did some research online and talked to a few women on Facebook regarding this. The answers I got were very interesting. I won’t go into the whole Women are from Venus and Men are from Mars explanation because that is more played out than Hammer’s Rapping Career. I will share with you the two answers that stood out the most to me. A few of the ladies I questioned stated that it is not that the spark itself that has died. They state that the nature of their feelings have turned deeper than the act of physical love itself. They feel more fulfilled as women when the love they feel from their man makes them feel secure. They stated that this feeling of security carries them for longer periods of time than the need for basic love making. I thought about it and this sounds well and good in a perfect world. However, something made me flip the script and ponder how a woman would truly feel if her man always waited on her to make the first move to make love. I wonder what she would think if he told her that the love in his heart is carrying the fire in his loins and he doesn’t need to be inside of her as often to experience this sensation. What if he told her that he feels complete from just knowing she loves him and this slakes his lusts? I think that there would be a lot of men out there accused of cheating and left alone.

The second answer that I chose from these women had to be the most interesting to me. It really shed light on us human beings as a whole. The answer they gave was that the spark itself is not gone. It just does not shine as brightly the longer they are with their man. The relationship is not as fresh or exciting as it was in the beginning. Where at one point it was just the sight of that man that made them want him, as the relationship progressed it takes more. They crave that excitement of when the relationship was new and it was an adventure. They say that they still love their man but they want something new and exciting and that is what makes the spark for them. If he doesn’t know how to do that then they don’t know what to tell him and the cards fall where they may.

I had to say something on this last statement because men have been using this logic for years and have been persecuted for it. This especially happens when a man steps out on his woman and cheats. His logic is that he did it not because he doesn’t love his woman anymore. He did it because he wanted some excitement. A spark. Women and men are not all that different when it comes to sexual desire. We both want our lovers to want us the way they did when we first laid eyes on each other. We’d like it if initiative was taken on both behalf’s and foreplay utilized. I can’t say that I am really satisfied with the answers that I got. Some shed light into a dark hole where as others I felt just expanded the void. I guess the answers that I’m looking for will not only illuminate that void, but the spark of that knowledge will fill it as well.


S.L.

Children are the future ?!?!?

Despite the warm and fuzzies that the above picture may give you, there is nothing funny about my message in this blog. It was brought to my attention that recently a team of health officials went to a local high school out here in California. Now for legal reason I will not mention the name in case of a possible litigation flare up because folks sue for just about anything.

The team was sent to this school to administer physicals and raise awareness of sexually transmitted diseases. Parents were outraged at what this committee found because they knew nothing about what was going on in thier teens lives because there was no communication. These parents did not talk to thier children and thier kids did not talk to them. Upon the conclusions of thier test they found the following:

Children were suffering from diabetes
They were suffereing from high blood pressure (One had to be immediately hospitalized for fear of having a heart attack or stroke)
They were suffering from drug dependency

The above mentioned items are not really that shocking and should be common knowledge to most of you. The surgeon general as well as other agencies have preached on the importance of diet and excercise and speaking to your children about drug use and dependency. What had my mouth formed into a perfect O is that the student population had almost 100 students that tested positive for HIV and other STD's .

Almost 100 youths at one school. More scary is that they did not know. This frightened and saddened me at the same time. To be so young and hopeful yet to know that your life will be shortened even further and to have a disease that you can never be rid of. I understand that most of those kids will be cured with simple antibiotics. But what of those who are HIV positive and will have to be on the cocktail? I realize that it is extending lives but what life is it when you do not have the choice to procreate or to love freely.

Now the course of thier life is dictated and they are not even old enough to vote yet. Teenage boys always talk about using condoms but the reality is that when a poll was given, neither the teenage boys nor girls enjoy the sensation of the latex and therefore will not use them especially if there is no pressure from thier partner to do so.

I guess that I am rambling. I don't have any children of my own but I have helped raise other people's children and they have turned out fine because I communicated to them. This generation of children needs blunt honesty. It has been left to its own devices and cable television too long. We as parents/guardians/role models need to be honest and listen to our kids even when they are not directly talking to us.

It is those silent signals and the retreating into themselves that we need to see.

Because eventhough those signs are not vocal they often speak the loudest.

Talking too much?!?

Recently a female friend of mine asked a question regarding a new guy she had been seeing for a cool minute. She wanted to know what to do to make it progress further. Her dilemma was that she really wanted to get serious but, she felt that they as a couple didn't really talk and that they rarely went anywhere. She wanted to know why. I asked her had she communicated to him how she was feeling. She stated yes she had done this a few weeks ago but he told her that it wasn't he that talked too little. He stated that it was she that talked way too much. Presently, his behavior hasn't changed or else she would not have got in contact with me. To make matters worse this dude doesn't buy her anything and isn't thoughtful or romantic. They don't sound like much of a couple to me. But that's just my opinion.

Well the answer to her problem would be plainly obvious to most people but I digress. I hate to quote Sex In The City but if a man does not ask you anything about yourself or take you anywhere then he's just not that into you. I had to explain to her that this man is just using her body to masturbate and he probably doesn't consider her his woman. She argued and stated that they spend quality time together and that they have nice quiet meals and phenomenal sex. I countered and stated that the only reason why they had quiet meals is because the dude doesn't really have anything to say to her. My theory on this (and this is just my theory mind you) is that when a man does not ask you anything about yourself it is because he does not want to turn you into a real person in his mind. (Some of you are scratching your head. Hunh!!! ) Ok. This man may be at her home and in her bed but, she is no more real to him than the Great Pumpkin or Santa Claus. He never asks her anything about herself because the more information he has, the more real to him she will become.

Once this happens he will be forced to deal with her like a real person. The illusion will be broken. You see it's easier for people to hurt others when the other person is not real to them. That person is are turned into an object that holds no real value to them. Once a person knows about your hopes, dreams, turn ons, turn offs, your past pains, transgression and other intimate details then they are less likely to do emotional harm to you if they care for you. If they know nothing about you then you are just a blank slate and they can continue to write thier own story about who you are or aren't and use you while caring nothing about you. It is kinda of like how a kidnapper does not talk to the person he kidnaps. They can't afford to have intimate knowledge of the person they are doing harm to because it turns them into a real person not worthy of harmful treatment.

Women tend to try and feel a man out by talking, more than a man would (we men are just crazy that way) because women are nurturing the relationship and want it to grow and men in the beginning of the relationship just want see where it will go. Women genuinely want to know what is on thier man's mind. Well ladies, you already know what's on most men's minds (SEX, SPORTS, SEX, SANDWICHES, SEX, SLEEPING,SEX and... oh yeah SEX). But seriously.... it can't possibly be easy on any woman trying to figure out a man that only opens his mouth to, chug a beer, eat some food, and to belch or yawn. The rewards are numerous for men if they would just pay more attention to our women. Most men may think that women talk too much. It is not that the woman is talking too much it is because as her man you are not participating in the conversations that she feels are important to move your relationship forward to fruition. She may even be willing to talk less and act more in the ways that you want her to if she feels appreciated and that the relationship is going places. Because contrary to popular belief most women don't talk too much. It's us as men that aren't talking enough to nurture our relationships and gain profound understanding of the women that share our lives and not just our beds. Women just want that feeling of security and appreciation. They want to get to know thier men better to strengthen thier relationships and progress towards a future together. And once they feel that they have that, then there's really nothing else left to say.

S.L.

Following your heart...chasing your dreams

DISCLAIMER

This is not happening in my life right now.

!!!!THIS BLOG IS A REPOST FROM MY OLD SITE!!!

Maybe I just don't have the mental stamina for relationships. I question myself at times. I know this is not true but that was how I was feeling when I was compiling this blog. I was feeling sorry for myself. Well people can't help who they fall in love with or for how long. People get together on a daily basis eventhough they are not really compatible. Sometimes two really great people get together and they have chemistry but then something happens. A metamorphosis of some kind. One of the two people begans to evolve into the person they want to become and thier dreams are way different from the dreams that they shared when they first got together as a couple. Or sometimes in some cases they are not honest with themselves or the one they are with and keep those dreams to themselves because they are really digging that person they are with and thier dreams may not fit into the scheme of things. What happens with your goals, ambitions and dreams then?

So what do you do?!? Do you move on to someone else who is more like who you are now, or do you hold onto that person you are with because you love them and they were good for you at that time. I am not a trained psychologist but I have been passing out instruction like the government once passed out cheese. People have come to rely on me as a quasiclinical (sic) source for step by step instructions to get themselves or thier relationships correct and my advice was hard for them to swallow.

I am guilty of passing out this information and on rare occasions have passed it out without thinking how it will affect that person because I gave the advice from a personal standpoint. Now I take the time to think things through before I engage my tongue. I say all of this to say that eventhough I have passed out this information and instructions I am now in need of my own, and the pill has been so hard to swallow. ???????? I lost a few of you back in the last row and thats ok. I will clarify. I chose to let a relationship go because my dreams that I had did not coincide with the person that I was with. The nature of my dreams were not debatable. I have to follow them and with mourning in my heart I had to make that relationship a casualty.

Well some of you out there will probably look on me with disdain and that's ok. I really understand how you feel. But, when I look back on it, I was not happy. Sure I had moments of happiness but I was not happy inside. This nature of being unhappy was beginning to manifest itself in other ways that was harmful to the woman that I was with. I began to change and become a shell of the man that I know that I am. That unhappiness caused me to not bring my A game to the relationship and be neglectful. Now this was not fair to her. I discussed it with her time and time again but it is in a woman's nature to think that they can fix anything given enough time.

Now granted I loved this woman tremendously but in the pursuit of my dreams, I had to take a stance and love me more. Selfish it may be but the damage had been done. In hindsight it would have been more selfish to stay with her. I've been told that in relationships you are suppose to love that person more than you love yourself. When you think about it, if you don't love yourself first, are you truly incapable of loving others with the intensity they deserve. I say all of this to point out that when you don't pursue your dreams, your happiness meter will take a serious plunge. Negative things such as weight loss, headaches and a compromised immune system along with other physical ailments may surface because you are not healthy on the inside. You have to take care of you and that includes feeding that imagination and chasing what you desire the most. Your dreams. Because without dreams we are little more than the shells we occupy.

Just food for thought but I know some of you aren't hungry

S.L.