The X Factor

I did a brief Facebook rant about this and decided to turn it into a full blog. People break up and that is a known fact. What brought you together is not nearly as important as what tore you apart. It would seem that the friendship you had with your once ex was able to survive. It made it through the heart break and bad feelings of the break up and you and them are now cool. You can talk on the phone about most things. It would even seem that your bond is stronger now than when you were lovers. Go figure. They can call on you when they need a helping hand, and you can call on them when you need one. Enter onto this scene of newfound bliss is your new girlfriend/boyfriend *cue evil music here*. This new relationship has issues with who you are friends with.

Anyone who has spent a significant amount of time around me knows that I usually don’t give former lovers titles. I introduce them as my friend because that is what they are to me now regardless of what was experienced when we were a couple. In my past I have been accused of being sneaky because I introduced a former lover to a current relationship as my friend. However, this girlfriend forgot that I had told her about my ex but she forgot the name. My thinking behind this is that once a person is introduced to another as EX then assumptions are made, guards are put up, and general nastiness follows. That person can not be experienced for who they are as a person. Instead they are labeled by what title they were given. Now your interactions are being watched even more closely with them and everything is scrutinized. You and them may have a cool relationship but now you have your current relationship that is mistrusting of that friendship.

So I guess the real questions that should be asked is….How far do you go to appease your present girlfriend/boyfriend? Should people forgo titles when introducing former lovers, just for peace of mind sake? Let’s run over a couple of scenarios. Scenario 1: The phone rings at 11:30 am in and it is your ex calling. Their car has broke down and they asked could you pick take them to an appointment. They have a ride home and say you should be done in thirty minutes. Prior to you getting with your present girlfriend/boyfriend this was something you would not have hesitated to perform. After all you are just friends with them now and favors come along with friend ship. But now the new relationship has a problem with you being a civil human being. They say “I do trust you, but it’s them I don’t trust.” Scenario 2: Your cell phone rings at 11:30 pm and your ex is on the phone crying and they had a bad day and want to know can you come over and cheer them up so they can feel better. In these situations it would seem that the answers are obvious.

Scenario 1 should be a no brainer. The time of day is early. You should only be gone for half an hour or so and it is a friend in need. Even though you and your ex are not getting back together, they don’t deserve to be abandoned if you have a strong friendship. Scenario 2 will most certainly get you cut down to the bone if you walk out the door. The time of night is just wrong. This is well into the booty call hours and your friend should know it is not appropriate to call so late. Added to this is a vulnerable person on the other end of that phone and things may happen if left open. Back to Scenario 1 and any situation similar. So now you are between a rock and a hard place. You and your ex are not going back down that road again. So now do you jeopardize the friendship and tell them you can’t help them because so-and-so doesn’t like it. Or do you have to tell your new relationship to step off and grow up?

It would seem that the answer is to tell this new addition to your life to step the fuck off and grow up. (SIGH) Well as much as you would like to stick a sock in their mouth and make them deal with it, problems are never that simple. If you are trying to make a life with this person then everything is open for discussion. Nothing is wrong with discussing your feelings because communication is essential. You can always offer to take the new boyfriend/girlfriend along to ease their minds. But why should you need a chaperone to be a friend to someone. The problem for me (as well as most grown ups) is when someone tells you that you should not be around this person because you had history. So…what I take from that statement when it is made is, basically that you don’t have the capacity to make decisions to manage your own relationships. Well I say that I’m a grown ass man and have been a man longer than I was a child (*insider*).

Being grown means we make decisions all day long. Decisions that impact your life on deeper levels. The very idea of someone coming at you and telling you that you are not able to make your own decisions is down right insulting. However it is up to you. You can choose to get rid of someone that you had a significant relationship with because it would increase the comfort level of your present relationship. I find the very idea to be ridiculous. It’s like them saying that all your years of personal experience of being you don’t mean anything and they know you better. Like I said earlier, I make decisions that impact my life all day. These decisions I make are more profound than who I’m going to kick it with this weekend. So making the decision to manage my relationships is not a hard task.

People will always try to hide things by saying that it is not you they are worried about. They only fear what may happen if they don’t tell you how they feel. They don’t want to lose you to what you had with this person. But this liberal application of sugar coating is purely bullshit. It is their own inadequacies they want to remain hidden.
I guess I hit the bottom line. We as individuals know how to manage our relationships. Whether these relationships be friendships, or beyond. If our core values is intact then we are not going to jeopardize our love lives. As adults we should be able to have friends of the opposite sex without it raising red flags. You shouldn’t have to ransom your past friendships for your current relationship. Sometimes you have to put your foot down and say “I got this and I don’t need you to make my decisions for me” because ultimately the decision is yours. We can make our own choices. Besides... no one wants to be micromanaged.


S.L.

Baby Mama/Daddy Drama

I decided to condense this blog from two down to one. Most of the items that are covered here are interchangeable between mother and father depending on who is involved. Dealing with a deadbeat dad or a psychotic baby’s mother is never an easy task. I will start with the drama that is usually associated with men and their child’s mother.

Well here you are brother and you’ve come a long way. It may seem like only yesterday that you met her, made future plans, consumed each other with passion and then fell in and out of love with each other. It was a beautiful relationship, but now it is over. The circumstances that led you here is not nearly as important as this final destination. Whether you were madly in love with her or it was an irresponsible one night stand, you’re here. You now have a child by this woman and you are no longer able to work things out.

There’s no magical equation that is going to help you get along after you break up. Women are all different and react in kind. It should also be taken into account that emotions run high during break ups and can bring out the worst in people both male and female. That once sweet and understanding woman may turn into a ravenous, rabid rottweiler. A rottweiler that hasn’t eaten in days and you are pile of raw meat. Unfortunately there is little that can be done to dispel that storm of emotions. Time heals all wounds and (insert cliché here). My granny always said that common sense ain’t common. All disclaimers aside, if you follow a few common sense instructions, you can ride it out in the eye of that storm until it passes on its own.

Waiting for that storm to pass you by means being prepared and staying ahead of the game. If you stay ready, you ain’t got to get ready. Staying ahead of the game starts with being respectful and aware of what is going on emotionally with your child’s mother. Whatever you do, don’t call her “yo baby momma”. After you introduce her as such you will feel enough heat coming off of her to boil a pot of water. Let’s face it fellas; we as men don’t care if we are introduced as “this my baby daddy”. However, when dealing with women, this title makes them cringe. The negative associations with this title alone does not sit well with them. Caricatures of uneducated, loud, obnoxious ghetto women come to mind (Can anyone say The Maury Show). Most women feel that the title “baby momma” reduces them to a role and takes away who they are as individuals. It’s as if the only thing she was good for, was to produce a child and that is it. Always refer to her as “your child’s mother” Sure some men may argue apples and oranges and feel that this is the same thing. However, there are no negative stereotypes associated with being called the mother of my child. This title is simply a more respectable way to introduce her to others. It will also draw some of that heat off of you.

Now that I got the intro out the way let’s talk C.R.E.A.M. (Cash Rules Everything Around Me). You should already know this fellas. If you don’t…well I don’t know what to tell you partner. Nothing will send a woman over the proverbial edge faster than a man who fathered a child with her and now he won’t/doesn’t take care of it. When you got her pregnant and you agreed/or didn’t agree to have this kid together (either way they are here), you signed an 18+ year contract. I’m not so callous as to view it in this way but I am breaking it down for the brothers. You made a commitment to support this woman and your child until it is grown. Look at the money you spend on your child as if it is any other bill. However, this is one bill you do not want to be late paying. You need to pay the full balance each month instead of just putting something on it. If you are late or slacking on payments the consequences will be dire. This is one bill collector that knows all about you, which buttons to push and will show up to your job/home in person with a really nasty attitude. Don’t do it to yourself.

Money may make the world go around but there is more to being a responsible father than simply writing a check. Even though you and your child’s mother weren’t able to make it as a couple she still has needs that you should take care of. In this case I don’t mean anything explicit such as having sex with yo baby mama (I can cover that in a different blog later). The simple fact is that taking care of a child by yourself is hard work. A mom who is a single parent rarely has time to get a good night’s sleep let alone have any personal time for herself to decompress. Single moms often neglect their own needs because the needs of their child come first. This selfless devotion to her child often comes at the cost of her appearance and emotional well being. All of her time is consumed with raising your child and this may leave her a little bitter. In her mind the scales are unbalanced and it seem like you are out running around care free with all the time in the world while she is confined to being responsible. It’s not fair.

Over time this may cause your child’s mother to harbor ill feelings towards you. This negativity can manifest in ways such as her not being at her best mentally. Her patience may get low or her temper may flare up due to being overwhelmed and this will affect how she takes care of your child. Being emotionally considerate means being there when she needs you to take care of the baby. The bottom line is if mama is not taken care of properly then baby will suffer. By the way…this is not a baby sitting assignment because you don’t babysit your own kids. As a father it is your responsibility to raise them and you must make time to bond and be there for them. If your child’s mother needs you to be there on unassigned days then so be it. You should be there. This does not mean be at her beckoned call and not have a life of your own. I’m not saying that at all fellas. However, allowances should be made for emergency situations or just for mental health days she may need. The guidelines you establish with your child's mother will help turn this difficult situation into a bearable one. You and she may lead separate lives now but, your child keeps you both connected.

A lot of the things I cover in the baby daddy drama section for the ladies can be applied to what may happen if a baby mama situation goes badly for a man. Mothers dealing with the fathers of their child/children often go through a different level of drama than men. When emotions are involved or relationships end badly most men don’t know how to handle it and this manifests itself in a lot of ways.

Immediately after the relationship is over you have to decide how you are going to handle the child/children situation. This is never easy especially if your child’s father did not want the relationship to be over. Most times when a man is not able to hold onto his woman he will try to hold on extra tight to his kids. Who was once a so so father has now turned into father of the year because he is trying to stick around and be in your life. It’s low but he will try to achieve that goal through the child/children you made together. Always have a plan to stay ahead of this. When he calls to see his children make sure that when you agree for him to see them that this is done at a public place. This way there really is no need to have a long drawn out conversation with him. He can pick his child/children up in full view of others and there is little chance that drama will unfold if he knows he is being watched. Whatever you do…do not meet at his house or have him come to yours. This is asking for trouble.

A lot of emotional content is lost in writing. Having said that, it may be good to only communicate via email or text messages only for awhile. You will be less likely to be angered, or feel the need to say or do something negative by something that you read. Since you will not be hearing his voice, there is less chance to glean a sarcastic tone or his huffing and puffing if it is in a text or email. Sure emoticons could be used by him but, who really gets mad when reading that someone else is angry at them with that cute little red angry face next to their message. Not me.

Now ladies, sometime women have children with complete crazy fools and these are the ones you have to watch out for. This is the type of man that will beat yo ass, kick you down a flight of steps, then call the police and wait for them to show up to take him to jail. If your child’s father is in this special category then you may want to get a third party involved when it comes to him seeing his children. Unfortunately even a psycho has the right to see their kids as long as they aren’t a danger to them. Gotta love our court system. This third party will be there to do the communicating between the two of you if it should get that bad. They will pass along messages and arrange for the kids to see him by picking them up and dropping them off. This person should be someone you trust and he respects. This could be his mother or an aunt who you’ve developed a positive relationship with.

If the drama is really bad then you may have to get the courts involved. I am not talking about the financial aspects. I covered that in the baby daddy section. The situation I am referring to is getting a TRO. This is a temporary restraining order. It can be a very helpful tool to controlling a fool that doesn’t want to go to jail. Most women don’t have to be told to get the courts involved when it comes to getting the money they need to take care of their child/children. Most times a relationship post break up will find a couple being adult enough to work things out without getting courts involved. I’ve known men that pay their child’s mother what they ask and all is well. However if that fails they get the law involved.

There is another side of the baby mama/daddy drama that I want to touch on. I’ve been involved in baby daddy drama and that was not fun. The side I want to talk about is the new person entering into the relationship. For this example I will use the lady’s side of things. Not only does your new man have to deal with his child’s mother, unfortunately you will have to as well in some degree. This will be a true strain on your relationship. If things ended badly between the two of them and if her feelings are still involved then the child’s mother is going to try to do what it takes to push your buttons, and push you two apart. You will have to make the effort to be the better woman. After all it is you that he has chosen to be with and this angers her. Whatever you do, please avoid physical altercations. Nothing will destroy your relationship faster.

When it comes to the child, you should really try to get along for their sake. Children pick up on conflict even when they don’t say anything to you directly about it. It affects them. During this trying time communication between you and your man is important. Discuss how you feel but be supportive. It is not good for him to fight a war on two separate fronts. He doesn’t need your insecurity and her jealousy/bitterness both tearing him apart. If you’ve done what you can to be the bigger person and his child’s mother is still being negative then there is nothing more you can do. You should avoid contact with his child’s mother and let him deal with her. Name calling and posturing due to jealousy is common among women that have been hurt. There is nothing you can do for her other than remain civil. This will help you and your relationship by not letting her get under your skin.

Hopefully the information you read hear will shed some sunlight on other wise stormy shores.

S.L.